June 2022 – Paul's Blog

Four or More?

I went to the doctor for a routine check up last month. One of the questions on the intake questionnaire was:

“Have you participated in the gather of a religious or civic organization at least four times in the past year?”

Fascinating.

Fascinating that four per year is the threshold chosen.

Fascinating that the medical community listens to this data.

Rooting in a reality larger than ourselves is good for us, on multiple levels. How can we create a world where the number on this questionnaire is much higher than four?

The First Task

The first time that I met with a spiritual director, he gave me a simple practice to do every day.

Each morning, I was to go into the chapel for 15 minutes, be quiet, and experience how much I was loved by God.

(And the word might not have been experience… it might have been listen or contemplate or the like… but the point was to know that I am loved.)

Predictably, I immediately fell short on multiple levels. I did not wake up early enough. The chatter in my mind never quieted. I exerted way too much effort. I became attached to my evaluation of each session.

Seventeen years later, I see this practice, to know that we are loved just as we are, is the practice of a lifetime. This experience anchors us, roots us, and enables a bold life lived out of this love.

I still show up to the practice, however imperfectly, knowing that I do not control the experience. The result is not up to me. My job is show up consistently… to ready the sails for whenever the wind would blow.

Hiding Under the Mess

When our sons can’t find the toy or the book that they are looking for, we’ve learned that the most productive thing to do is to start cleaning up the mess. When we clean up, we inevitably find the thing we were looking for.

The mess is where things go to hide.

In our church and world, there is plenty of mess. And by mess, I do not mean conflict. Conflict can be healthy and will always be with us.

The mess I mean is what happens when we do not practice empathy on the “other side” of the conflict, choosing instead to whip up the indignation of “our side” against the other. This failure of empathy creates a mess: layers of wrecked communication, triggered egos, activated amygdalas. This mess confuses the important issue at hand and barricades us more deeply on our illusory moral high ground.

Too often, the mess is where we go to hide, and almost always unconsciously. Hide from our own vocation, our own capacity for connection, commitment, and contribution.

It is far easier to focus on someone else’s mess than to do the hard work we are meant to do.

Holiness, I think, consists in realizing that we are not better than anyone else and all need grace in a profound way. This humility frees us to begin to clean up the mess and find the love we were seeking in the first place.

Opening the Next Door

I am a big fan of our realtor, particularly in how she introduces us to a home on the market.

She is calm and kind as she walks with us through a new space, attentive to any question that we might have. And while offering this warm presence, she also seems to be one step ahead. Somehow she is always able to turn on the lights in the next room and to open the doors, closets, and cabinets.

Her seasoned attentiveness frees us to see more than we might, and act, free of pressure, from this expanded vision.

Folks who are skilled at accompaniment do something similar, I think. They are able to tune in, freed from their own inner chatter. Their attentive, generous presence helps us see our own experience in better light. Their questions open doors and turn on the light switch that we couldn’t quite reach.

What would it take for the church to be a network of people who accompany each other like this?