Psychologist William James once observed that “a great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.” The alternative to this, learning to see the world as it is, is difficult work. But if we are to change our culture to serve the common good, it is the only place toContinue reading “Rearranging Our Prejudices”
Category Archives: Contribution
Playing to Win
The first sports coach that I remember was a passionate, gruff-voiced, rail-thin, two-maybe-three-pack-a-day smoker named Gary. He coached us soccer and he was the best.
I often recall advice that he hollered at us one halftime.
“You guys are playing NOT TO LOSE. I want you to PLAY TO WIN!”
How often do we play to win? In our work? Our relationships? Our life in the church?
And how often do we play not to lose?
Telling Our Stories
One of the finest gifts that we can offer another is a generous, compassionate space into which they can tell their story.
Perhaps such a space opens up between old friends, catching up after a time apart.
Or maybe it is in the context of a silent retreat, where a director helps a retreatant to deeply perceive the presence of grace and use this perspective to tell again their life’s narrative.
Katie and I were given such a gift recently from the folks at the Notre Dame Alumni Association who run the digital ministries of FaithND when we recorded an episode on their Everyday Holiness podcast diving into our ongoing formation and the creation of Sorin Starts a School. For this generosity, we are immensely grateful.
How we tell our stories matters a great deal for how we live. Let us offer to each other a loving space into which we can tell our stories.
I Can’t Know How!
When our 2.5 year old has difficulty with a task, he will exclaim, “I can’t know how!”
He, of course, means that he doesn’t know how, but I have found myself thinking about the comical phrase that he does use.
Too often, we operate implicitly out of the assumption that we can’t know how to do something. (That challenge in front of me… it is… impossible!)
Except, in almost every case, it isn’t impossible. Yes, I might have to change how I dedicate my time. And, yes, I may have to take some vulnerable risks and show up consistently with emotional endurance.
If I do those things, I realize that I can, in fact, know how.
Cozy or Compelling
Steve Jobs died 10 years ago this month. To mark the anniversary, one of his closest collaborators, Jony Ive, reflected on his relationship with Jobs in the Wall Street Journal. Ive remarked that:
“I had thought that by now there would be reassuring comfort in the memory of my best friend and creative partner, and of his extraordinary vision.”
“But of course not. Ten years on, he manages to evade a simple place in my memory. My understanding of him refuses to remain cozy or still. It grows and evolves.”
This type of dynamic, compelling memory is a remarkable thing to consider.
Are we able to say the same about our memory of mentors who made us dream of significant lives? Or of our “favorite” saints? Wasn’t it Dorothy Day who said she hoped she would never be considered a saint because she did not want to be dismissed so quickly?
Let us pray for the grace of memories that compel us to lives of significant generosity.
Straw Man or Steel Man
When we consider a person that, at this moment, we do not agree with, what is the story that we tell about them?
Does it resemble a “straw man?” That is, do we pick only the flimsiest parts of their perspective and rail against it?
Or do we set up a “steel man?” That is, do we consider their position with cognitive empathy and fill out their narrative as strongly as possible?
One strategy will help us productively and compassionately engage the world as it is. The other will inflate our ego’s self-righteousness.
Fun and Serious, Deep and Delightful
Katie shipped out Sorin Starts a School last week, and then the fun began. We started receiving texts and emails from you all about reading the book for the first time. What a joy to connect, especially about something we have anticipated sharing for so long!
The brief message from the father of a friend stood out to us. He wrote that the book struck him as both “fun and serious,” both “whimsical” and inclusive of “faith and determination.”
This weaving of depth and delight is precisely our aim, and hearing that the book makes good on this promise fills us with gratitude. Thank you for believing in what Katie and I made.
If you are the sort of person who shares things on the interwebs, we’d love to have you as a partner in sharing the book. Of particular value are: 1) leaving a review here (scroll down and click on the part that says “reviews”) and 2) emailing folks you know who would delight in the book.
Let the (serious) fun continue!
Depth Is Not a Fixed Trait
Those hours we spend loving, praying, enduring, listening, serving, attending to another… those hours do work on us, carving out a deeper capacity for love.
Depth is not a fixed trait.
Our Defenses Affect Our Flourishing – Part I
Life presents us with conflict, stress, and change, so we develop (often unconscious) defensive habits to deal with this pain.
There is compelling evidence* suggesting that the maturity of our defenses can determine the extent to which we develop psychosocial health.
Here are some mature defenses (articulated in the DSM-IV).
(1) Altruism – Taking action to decrease the world’s suffering
(2) Anticipation – Holding future pain in awareness (i.e. memento mori)
(3) Humor – Being able to laugh at oneself and the vicissitudes of life
(4) Sublimation – Engaging healthy, gratifying alternatives to an opportunity denied
(5) Suppression – Stoicism (i.e. “If you are going through hell, keep going.”)
Development of these habits is not a matter of will power. They are cultivated in the context of significant relationships, drawn out of us in empathy and safety.
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*For more, check out Chapter 8 (entitled “Resilience and Unconscious Coping”) of this fascinating book reflecting on the Harvard Study of Adult Development.
Our Defenses Affect Our Flourishing – Part II
Here I wrote that the maturity of our unconscious defenses in the face of life’s pain contributes to our overall psychosocial wellness.
And the opposite seems true as well. Immature defenses tend to undermine our wellness.
Here are some common immature defenses.
Some (dissociation, fantasy, passive aggression, projection) avoid or externalize responsibility for the situation we find ourselves in.
Other defenses keep the threatening thought or feeling out of our awareness. These include displacement (directing anger at something other than the source of the anger), intellectualization, and repression.
Awareness of these immature defenses can help us leave them behind. To truly grow, though, we need to witness exemplars of the mature defenses as well as experience the relational support to integrate them.
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