Blame It on the Rain

(This is the third of the Four Horsemen of Fixed Mindset, four mental stances that clip our potential, limit our intelligence, and stifle budding growth.) 

Here, when confronted by challenge, we absolve ourselves of responsibility by externalizing blame onto things outside of our control. “It’s her fault! It’s his fault! It’s their fault!” Blame an easy target and pretend that we do not have agency in the system.

This mindset has the air of validity because much of the world is absolutely outside of our control. Rather than fixating on “the rain,” though, it is much more productive to see the bits of agency we do have, acknowledge our role in the system, and step forward toward growth.

Optimist without a Cause

(This is the fourth of the Four Horsemen of Fixed Mindset, four mental stances that clip our potential, limit our intelligence, and stifle budding growth.) 

Someone stuck in this mindset acknowledges, superficially, the difficulty of a given situation, and then imagines how it will resolve without having to engage in meaningful change.

This is a tricky one because the surface optimism masquerades as a mindset centered on growth.  

But this positivity has no strategy, and is employed as protection from the urgency, complexity, and potential of the situation.  This thin confidence functions to avoid growth, rather than confront the issue head on.

A positive attitude can certainly be an asset as we confront challenges, but it must be accompanied with a story and a strategy that moves us toward the growth of which we are capable.  Avoidance leads us nowhere. 

The Four Horsemen of Fixed Mindset

The outstanding teacher residency program where I coached teachers some years ago immersed the residents in the need for “growth mindset.”  Someone with a “growth mindset” believes that they can grow, that ability and intelligence can be developed.  Because of this belief, a person engages challenges and helpful criticism with sincere effort on a path to mastery.  

Its converse is “fixed mindset,” which believes that one’s traits are essentially fixed, and so effort is useless.  This mindset avoids challenges and truthful critique. It feels threatened when others thrive.

Fixed mindset is everywhere, in all of us, and quite tricky to talk about.  (No one wants to hear or acknowledge that they are stuck in such a narrative.)  So, the teaching program’s leadership wittily and decisively seared this concept into the minds of the residents by naming the “Four Horsemen of Fixed Mindset,” the four ways that this stunting mindset typically manifests.

They named the Four Horsemen as follows:

(1) You’re right. I suck.

(2) You’re wrong. I rule.

(3) Blame it on the rain.

(4) Optimist without a cause.

These conceptual hooks have been such a gift to me, that I wanted to share it with you.  I’ll write the next week’s posts about each of these manifestations.

Until then, here are the master teachers themselves acting out the Four Horsemen in the video they used to train the rookie teachers.  Enjoy… if you dare!

A Saint Goes to Psychotherapy

Did you know that St. Oscar Romero went to psychotherapy?  He did!

As a young seminarian and priest, Romero’s prayer and discipleship was bound by his obsessive-compulsive personality disorder which manifested as a self-absorbing scrupulosity.   

Here is a key bit from the book where I learned about all this, linking his therapeutic and his saintly journeys. 

“[A] psychic / affective conversion within the particularities of [Romero’s] OCPD and scrupulosity revealed psychological complexes, which, once engaged, freed him from the rigidity of their hold, healing and transforming the complexes into a source of energy he never imagined or realized he had at his disposal.” (Pg. 154, Archbishop Oscar Romero: A Disciple Who Revealed the Glory of God, by D. Zynda)  

Romero channeled this energy into becoming a superlative pastor and archbishop, and his commitment to God and the Salvadoran people flowered more fully each year.  

Much is written and taught about Romero’s courage in the face of the violence that ultimately took his life.  We should write and teach more about how an indispensable part of his capacity for such a witness was rooted in the courage to show up to psychotherapy. 

Drop Your Tools

During the War in the Pacific, nearing the end of World War II, the Allies made many amphibious landings on Pacific Islands occupied by Japan.

The Allied leadership often did not realize, though, that many of these islands were protected by large reefs which prevented the landing boats from unloading the soldiers directly onto the beach. This meant that the soldiers had to suddenly exit the boat in deep water and swim to shore.

These soldiers carried heavy gear that they believed (and their training had drilled into them) was crucial to their survival, even their identity. But in this new scenario, plunged into deep water, the men who clung to their tools tragically drowned. It was those who could, in a split second, change strategy and shed their heavy tools, who lived to fight.

We have tools to help us navigate life: patterns of thought, routines, narratives, even our default personalities. Do we also have the attentiveness to know when it is prudent to drop these tools and engage the world in a different way?

You Have Been God’s Grace to Me

The Pulitzer Prize-winning Gilead is a long letter that the speaker, John Ames, writes to his young son.  I have thought repeatedly about many of the lines in the book, but none more than this one.  

“I’m writing this in part to tell you that if you ever wonder what you’ve done in your life, and everyone does wonder sooner or later, you have been God’s grace to me, a miracle, something more than a miracle… If only I had the words to tell you.” (emphasis added)

The book is an arrestingly beautiful reminder that grace, the unearned and unbidden love of God, saves us from our silliness and self-sabotage.  And this quote in particular functions to remind me to attend to this grace as a parent.  

The ability to say to a child, “you have been God’s grace to me,” is one of the finest gifts a parent can receive. The care that then comes from this realization is one of the finest gifts we can give to a child. 

Showing Up With Tender Endurance

(This is a longer one, but it’s worth it.)

For a little over a year, our older son and I rode the train into Washington DC to the nearest public library story time.

We did this twice a week, no matter the weather, because the librarian, Philip, and the story time he orchestrated was that good.

I have thought often about why these 25 minute chunks of time were so consistently valuable to us. Here is what I’ve come up with.

Philip’s thoughtful preparation of the gathering was always evident.  Each story time was similarly structured but never was it stale.  It balanced predictability and variety in a way that oriented and delighted us.  Each session had a taste of music, typically accompanied by an instrument he would play, as well as a book or song in a language other than English.  His book selection represented excellent range and subtle humor as well as a general protection against the insipid volumes that too often characterize children’s literature.  

And his execution of each session was similarly full of care.  When leading the alphabet song, he would slow down around “L, M, N, O, P,” so that the children, for whom the letters were new, could distinguish them individually.  He would always read the name of the author and the illustrator so that we could find these or similar books later in the library.  He would often show up early to tune his violin or ukelele, and afterwards, show it to any child that might be around. His demeanor during the story time was gentle, friendly, and engaging, no small feat since the room was filled to capacity with 100 or so children and adults, carrying themselves with varying levels of courtesy. 

It occurred to me often that he could not have always felt like doing this.  But he did.  He did show up each time with remarkably consistent emotional endurance.  This consistency poured the love of language and music into our son. 

How was Philip able to show up as he did, with tender endurance, and so constantly?

I think it was his formation, in college and graduate school, as a musician and conductor.  For years, he dedicated himself to works of beauty and imagination within the musical form, and then shared that beauty in (perhaps imperfect, and so daringly vulnerable) performance for the enrichment of an audience.  We were seeing, 25 minutes at a time in that room at the back of the library, the fruit of his immersion in musical excellence.  He also has worked for years as a youth orchestral conductor and so, I must imagine, is primed to believe that young people are capable of a richer interior life than we often perceive or acknowledge.  Perhaps he looked at us, from his little plastic chair at the front of the room, as an orchestra of sorts in which artful language would grow richly and play out over a lifetime. 

The fruit that Philip’s talented endurance has borne in the life of our son is remarkable to consider and difficult to quantify.

From the time he was barely verbal, our son would hold story time in our living room, bracketing the session with Philip’s “hello” and “goodbye” songs, and lovingly displaying for me each page of each book he had chosen.  (There were usually about 30.)  He continued to do this months after we moved from Greater DC, and he knew more of the books’ words each time.

He often sorted his books into “Mr. Philip books” and “Non-Mr. Philip Books” and the familiarity with these titles and authors helped him navigate the shelves of any library.  (I even came into his room last week, now almost two years after our last story time, and he had selected a stack of “Mr. Philip” books and was paging through them.)

I was not in the least surprised, then, when my son and I both cried after we said goodbye to Philip following our last story time, days before we moved.

So.  Let us never underestimate the value of showing up to our work consistently with tender endurance. Indeed, it may be one of the most important decisions we will ever make and will certainly bear more fruit than we know.

Our Favorite Mr. Philip Books

All the World, by Liz Garton Scanlon

Cat Goes Fiddle-i-Fee, by Paul Galdone

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, by Bill Martin Jr. and John Archambault

Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, by Mo Willems

Hooray for Hat, by Brian Won

I Ain’t Gonna Paint No More, by Karen Beaumont

Penguin Problems, by Jory John

Silly Sally, by Audrey Wood

They All Saw a Cat, by Brendan Wenzel

What a Wonderful World, illustrated by Tim Hopgood

Generosity of Mind

I have a friend who actively seeks out media that communicates a worldview that he does not encounter very often or necessarily share. This is a unique and, I think, indispensable virtue for our times.

If we were in an ethics class, what would we call this virtue? Generosity of mind, perhaps? Self-interrogation? Active open-mindedness?

He is a principled person, certainly, and not swayed by every argument. Indeed, the utility of his virtue would be much diminished if he believed everything, or worse, nothing that he heard.

This generosity of mind makes him into a person capable of expansive relationships. This expansiveness represents a tremendous asset to our culture and helps him build a more just world.