Children Are Capable of Depth

My life is blessed with ample evidence of the depth of the interior life of children, and I know that I want to center the recognition of this reality in my life.

And yet!  It is easy for me, in the daily churn, to forget this depth and / or to act like I have not known it.  I need help to remember.

Recently, this excerpt from a wonderful book has made it very difficult to forget.  I include the excerpt below.  It is a bit longer than I typically write, and absolutely worth it.

“The Boston Philharmonic had scheduled a fall performance of Mahler’s Ninth Symphony, and because ot the extraordinary difficulty of the music I decided to send a tape of the piece out to every member of the orchestra, so they could get to know it over the summer. One of our violinists, Anne Hooper, took the tape with her to an island off the coast of Maine, where she was visiting with her family, and played it on her boom box.

Her five-year-old niece, Katrine, stopped to listen for a while and then asked, “Auntie Anne, what is this music about?” Anne set out to weave a wondrous tale for the little girl, telling her a story about a wild and fearsome dragon and a beautiful princess who is locked up in a castle. For the duration of the ninety-minute symphony, Anne spun her tale of the princess and her handsome prince.

The following day, little Katrine asked to hear the music about the beautiful princess again. So once again Anne put on the tape and let it run its course, only occasionally reminding Katrine of her invented story line. 

When the piece was playing for the third time at Katrine’s request, about halfway through she asked, “Auntie Anne, what is this music really about?”

Anne regarded her five-year-old niece with astonishment, and then began to tell her the true story of Mahler – how sad his life was, how he’d lost seven brothers and sisters from sickness during his childhood so that the coffin became a regular piece of furniture in his house. She told Katrine how cruel his alcoholic father had been to him, and how frightened his invalid mother. She told her that Mahler’s little daughter had died at the age of four, that he never really got over that loss, and that he’d been forced to quit his important job at the famous Opera House in Vienna because he was Jewish. “And then, just before he wrote this symphony,” Anne said, “Mahler was told by his doctor that he had a weak heart and only a very short time to live. So now, Mahler was really saying good-bye to everything and looking back over his life. That is why so much of the music is so sad and why at the end of the piece it dies out to nothing, its a description of his death as he imagined it, his final breath.”

Anne went on to explain that Mahler wasn’t sad all the time.  He was a great lover of nature and a powerful swimmer and he loved to walk. He had a magnificent laugh and a huge love of life,

and all this is in the music too, as well as his sadness and anger about his illness and the brutality of his father and the vulnerability of his invalid mother. In tact, Mahler thought that he should put everything in life in his symphonies – so anything that can be imagined can be heard in them if you listen carefully enough.

The next day, Katrine came running up to her aunt and said, “Auntie Anne, Auntie Anne, can we listen to that music about the man again today?” Well they did, and again the next day, and in fact Katrine’s parents told me that she listened to it nearly one hundred times that summer. The following October, the entire family made the four-hour drive from upstate New York to Boston to hear our performance in Jordan Hall. Katrine sat wide-eyed through the whole piece. Later, she wrote me a thank-you note.

I carry this note with me everywhere I go.  It reminds me how seldom we pay attention to, or even look for, the passionate and the extraordinary in children…”

The Art of Possibility, pg. 44-46

Ticker Watching

Have you ever seen one of those cable news finance shows with the stock ticker running on the screen?  They are tough to watch for any length of time.  There is a LOT of information (paired with emotion-laden narratives spun from that information).

XYZ is up! (But for how long!?)

ABC is down!  (Catastrophe! And then HIJ said this thing about LMNOP!)

Sometimes, we do a similar thing with our inner lives, “ticker watching” how happy we are at any moment.  We survey and analyze everything that happens through this narrow “happy” lens until we are so exhausted we cannot find the happiness we sought in the first place.

Better to suspend this hyper-analysis, orient our interior life to a longer time horizon, and live more deeply into the experience of active love. 

This will lead to places that do not look “happy” at first glance, but ultimately to a deeper joy, more durable contentment, and lasting peace.

Conspicuous Freedom

Conspicuous consumption is exhausting.  Its fruits are more restlessness, more false needs, (and so) more consumption.

This is probably not what we actually want.

“Nope.  I’m good.  I don’t need [that one more thing].”  

The freedom that springs from this attitude is attractive… more attractive in fact than whatever would have been conspicuously consumed. 

Blindspot

Take a look at this picture.  

From pg. 81 of the wonderful Thanks for the Feedback by Stone and Heen

It is a diagram of what is happening when we do something and someone reacts to it.  Pretty basic interaction, right? 

Not at all! It is so complicated!

It turns out, that it is remarkably difficult to see our behavior (and the impact that it has) objectively.

Yes, we ideally have access to what is inside the left-hand, smaller circle… “my thoughts & feelings” and also “my intentions,” though even these are not always accessible to us depending on our inner state!

And then, we have partial knowledge of our behavior… partial because it is so hard to perceive our facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice.

And unless the other person chooses to share, we have no visibility on the things solely in the right-hand circle: “my impact on them” and “their story about me.”  These form the basis of their feedback.

Our relationships (and so our life) get better when we have more visibility on our behavior and our impact on others.  

So, where to start? 

1. Mindfulness practice – This deepens and refines my perception of and receptivity to all of the inputs in the graphic. 

2. Taking myself less seriously – Humor (particularly the self-deprecating kind) lowers the stakes for the person who might take the risk to clue us in on what we are missing.

Worldwide Available

Officers and their families in the US Foreign Service pledge to be “worldwide available.” Where there is a need, an FSO will go.  

And “bidding season” (the time when it is decided where one will serve next) for us is approaching… so this global availability is felt acutely.

As we research possible postings, we look at the different aspects of life in a certain location… pollution, for example.  In the process, it becomes shockingly clear that we would have a very hard time living in some places because of the air quality.  

That is to say, what is not “worldwide available” is air that will not make you sick.  But billions (billions!) of people live in those places every day, unable to choose a different home.

I think the technology that exists to confront this problem is just the coolest thing.

Blessed are those (entrepreneurs, citizens, scientists) who work to make such solutions more widely available.  

(Want to learn more about this sort of thing at a free virtual conference?  Use this link to join virtual programing at the Claircon conference.  The link includes a discount code,TCACC23, to receive free access.  The conference takes place on May 19 & 20.

You’ll have the opportunity to dive into the engaging sessions in cleantech and sustainability, learn and interact with industry experts, network with like-minded people and discover innovative solutions for a greener future.)

How Fascinating!

I once heard of an orchestra conductor who trained all of his musicians to do the following.

Whenever they made a mistake, they were to raise their hands over their heads and proclaim, “How fascinating!”

Is this not a wonderful habit? To engage our mistakes with curiosity and playfulness?

This stance releases us from the compulsion to fabricate (and dig in behind) a self-justifying narrative. (It also skips over the reflex to just give up.)

That is to say, there is more time and energy left for becoming a more loving person.

When we are habituated to this mindset, everything is an opportunity to grow.

Communication Constraints

Here are some constraints on how we communicate things that matter to us.

1. In order to be heard, we must speak our message in the inner language of the one who we want to listen.

2. We typically see and hear people as we are, not as they are.

3. People can sense when they are not really being heard… and when this happens, they muffle and hide their true inner language.  (After all, why waste the effort on someone who is not listening?)

Put another way, we have to demonstrate ourselves worthy (typically by offering non-judgmental, kenotic presence) of someone’s inner language. 

4. We can’t speak a language we’ve never really heard.

See all the potential problems that can arise?

In order to communicate effectively, we are going to have to stop thinking about how badly we want to be heard long enough to focus on that person and really see and hear them.

How Not to Receive a Gift

Imagine that we each have just received a free and mysterious gift – one that, when explored, grew more and more wonderful.

Here is a list (not exhaustive!) of how I should probably not receive this gift.

-Convince myself it is not that cool anyway, and not really engage it.

-Try to subtly earn it, and thereby convince myself that I control the gift.

-Trash it.

-Tell myself that I do not deserve it, and thereby excuse myself from encountering the wonder of the thing.

-Otherwise ignore or neglect it.

I’d be silly to do these things, right?  

And yet I know that I have, in one form or another, with the free gifts of my inner life, outer life, the earth, my mind and body.

Let’s agree to receive these gifts in wonder and, humbled by their depth, attend to each with deep love.

The Way We Play

I once heard this story of a student auditioning at a school of music.  

He had exhaustively prepared his audition piece.  During the actual audition, though, the instructor interrupted him almost immediately and asked him to play it differently.

That’s great.  Now, play it at double speed.

Now, play it at half speed.

Now, play it like Adele sings. 

Now play it like Santana.

Now play it like Dylan.

The teacher wanted to see how well the student adapted to the challenge of changing his default mode.

In life, we typically have a default “way we play.”  Call it our personality, or our narrative, or our way of being.  It has helped us survive this long and do some things well.

Crucial to the skill of living artfully, though, is beginning to see this “way we play” as limited, learn to experiment with playing differently, and then watch new doors open wide.