You’re Wrong. I Rule.

(This is the second of the Four Horsemen of Fixed Mindset, four mental stances that clip our potential, limit our intelligence, and stifle budding growth.) 

In this mental stance, when faced with constructive feedback or a setback, we become defiant. (I don’t deserve this! You’re wrong, world! I rule!)

This Horseman takes the legs out from under our curiosity. We avoid the questions that could lead to our growth. For example: What could I learn from this generous gift of feedback? What is the whole, complex picture of why I experienced that specific failure? How might I improve?

When we say, “I’m right. I rule. Full stop,” we wimp out. We dodge the uncomfortable but healthy questions that the situation at hand poses to us.

Blame It on the Rain

(This is the third of the Four Horsemen of Fixed Mindset, four mental stances that clip our potential, limit our intelligence, and stifle budding growth.) 

Here, when confronted by challenge, we absolve ourselves of responsibility by externalizing blame onto things outside of our control. “It’s her fault! It’s his fault! It’s their fault!” Blame an easy target and pretend that we do not have agency in the system.

This mindset has the air of validity because much of the world is absolutely outside of our control. Rather than fixating on “the rain,” though, it is much more productive to see the bits of agency we do have, acknowledge our role in the system, and step forward toward growth.

The Four Horsemen of Fixed Mindset

The outstanding teacher residency program where I coached teachers some years ago immersed the residents in the need for “growth mindset.”  Someone with a “growth mindset” believes that they can grow, that ability and intelligence can be developed.  Because of this belief, a person engages challenges and helpful criticism with sincere effort on a path to mastery.  

Its converse is “fixed mindset,” which believes that one’s traits are essentially fixed, and so effort is useless.  This mindset avoids challenges and truthful critique. It feels threatened when others thrive.

Fixed mindset is everywhere, in all of us, and quite tricky to talk about.  (No one wants to hear or acknowledge that they are stuck in such a narrative.)  So, the teaching program’s leadership wittily and decisively seared this concept into the minds of the residents by naming the “Four Horsemen of Fixed Mindset,” the four ways that this stunting mindset typically manifests.

They named the Four Horsemen as follows:

(1) You’re right. I suck.

(2) You’re wrong. I rule.

(3) Blame it on the rain.

(4) Optimist without a cause.

These conceptual hooks have been such a gift to me, that I wanted to share it with you.  I’ll write the next week’s posts about each of these manifestations.

Until then, here are the master teachers themselves acting out the Four Horsemen in the video they used to train the rookie teachers.  Enjoy… if you dare!

A Saint Goes to Psychotherapy

Did you know that St. Oscar Romero went to psychotherapy?  He did!

As a young seminarian and priest, Romero’s prayer and discipleship was bound by his obsessive-compulsive personality disorder which manifested as a self-absorbing scrupulosity.   

Here is a key bit from the book where I learned about all this, linking his therapeutic and his saintly journeys. 

“[A] psychic / affective conversion within the particularities of [Romero’s] OCPD and scrupulosity revealed psychological complexes, which, once engaged, freed him from the rigidity of their hold, healing and transforming the complexes into a source of energy he never imagined or realized he had at his disposal.” (Pg. 154, Archbishop Oscar Romero: A Disciple Who Revealed the Glory of God, by D. Zynda)  

Romero channeled this energy into becoming a superlative pastor and archbishop, and his commitment to God and the Salvadoran people flowered more fully each year.  

Much is written and taught about Romero’s courage in the face of the violence that ultimately took his life.  We should write and teach more about how an indispensable part of his capacity for such a witness was rooted in the courage to show up to psychotherapy. 

Adventure and Mission

When Ernest Shackleton publicly solicited applications for an expedition to the South Pole early in 1914, he reportedly did so with words similar to the following:

“Men wanted for hazardous journey, small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful, honor and recognition in case of success.”

The response to the advertisement was massive and overwhelming. Around 5,000 applications poured in, many of them from men with superlative talent. When the crew had been chosen and the ship finally set sail, someone even stowed away on the ship, so badly did he want to be part of the journey.

They were motivated by the crystal clear sense of adventure and mission.

What if we, as a church, shared a similarly clear sense of adventure and mission? If we had this sense, what would we do differently?

You Have Been God’s Grace to Me

The Pulitzer Prize-winning Gilead is a long letter that the speaker, John Ames, writes to his young son.  I have thought repeatedly about many of the lines in the book, but none more than this one.  

“I’m writing this in part to tell you that if you ever wonder what you’ve done in your life, and everyone does wonder sooner or later, you have been God’s grace to me, a miracle, something more than a miracle… If only I had the words to tell you.” (emphasis added)

The book is an arrestingly beautiful reminder that grace, the unearned and unbidden love of God, saves us from our silliness and self-sabotage.  And this quote in particular functions to remind me to attend to this grace as a parent.  

The ability to say to a child, “you have been God’s grace to me,” is one of the finest gifts a parent can receive. The care that then comes from this realization is one of the finest gifts we can give to a child. 

Showing Up With Tender Endurance

(This is a longer one, but it’s worth it.)

For a little over a year, our older son and I rode the train into Washington DC to the nearest public library story time.

We did this twice a week, no matter the weather, because the librarian, Philip, and the story time he orchestrated was that good.

I have thought often about why these 25 minute chunks of time were so consistently valuable to us. Here is what I’ve come up with.

Philip’s thoughtful preparation of the gathering was always evident.  Each story time was similarly structured but never was it stale.  It balanced predictability and variety in a way that oriented and delighted us.  Each session had a taste of music, typically accompanied by an instrument he would play, as well as a book or song in a language other than English.  His book selection represented excellent range and subtle humor as well as a general protection against the insipid volumes that too often characterize children’s literature.  

And his execution of each session was similarly full of care.  When leading the alphabet song, he would slow down around “L, M, N, O, P,” so that the children, for whom the letters were new, could distinguish them individually.  He would always read the name of the author and the illustrator so that we could find these or similar books later in the library.  He would often show up early to tune his violin or ukelele, and afterwards, show it to any child that might be around. His demeanor during the story time was gentle, friendly, and engaging, no small feat since the room was filled to capacity with 100 or so children and adults, carrying themselves with varying levels of courtesy. 

It occurred to me often that he could not have always felt like doing this.  But he did.  He did show up each time with remarkably consistent emotional endurance.  This consistency poured the love of language and music into our son. 

How was Philip able to show up as he did, with tender endurance, and so constantly?

I think it was his formation, in college and graduate school, as a musician and conductor.  For years, he dedicated himself to works of beauty and imagination within the musical form, and then shared that beauty in (perhaps imperfect, and so daringly vulnerable) performance for the enrichment of an audience.  We were seeing, 25 minutes at a time in that room at the back of the library, the fruit of his immersion in musical excellence.  He also has worked for years as a youth orchestral conductor and so, I must imagine, is primed to believe that young people are capable of a richer interior life than we often perceive or acknowledge.  Perhaps he looked at us, from his little plastic chair at the front of the room, as an orchestra of sorts in which artful language would grow richly and play out over a lifetime. 

The fruit that Philip’s talented endurance has borne in the life of our son is remarkable to consider and difficult to quantify.

From the time he was barely verbal, our son would hold story time in our living room, bracketing the session with Philip’s “hello” and “goodbye” songs, and lovingly displaying for me each page of each book he had chosen.  (There were usually about 30.)  He continued to do this months after we moved from Greater DC, and he knew more of the books’ words each time.

He often sorted his books into “Mr. Philip books” and “Non-Mr. Philip Books” and the familiarity with these titles and authors helped him navigate the shelves of any library.  (I even came into his room last week, now almost two years after our last story time, and he had selected a stack of “Mr. Philip” books and was paging through them.)

I was not in the least surprised, then, when my son and I both cried after we said goodbye to Philip following our last story time, days before we moved.

So.  Let us never underestimate the value of showing up to our work consistently with tender endurance. Indeed, it may be one of the most important decisions we will ever make and will certainly bear more fruit than we know.

Generosity of Mind

I have a friend who actively seeks out media that communicates a worldview that he does not encounter very often or necessarily share. This is a unique and, I think, indispensable virtue for our times.

If we were in an ethics class, what would we call this virtue? Generosity of mind, perhaps? Self-interrogation? Active open-mindedness?

He is a principled person, certainly, and not swayed by every argument. Indeed, the utility of his virtue would be much diminished if he believed everything, or worse, nothing that he heard.

This generosity of mind makes him into a person capable of expansive relationships. This expansiveness represents a tremendous asset to our culture and helps him build a more just world.

Conformism or Courage

Mary Ann Evans (under the pen name of George Eliot) wrote the following about the subtle conformism woven into the psyche of the town in Middlemarch.  

The town’s citizens, largely, assumed that, “[s]ane people did what their neighbors did, so that if any lunatics were at large, one might know and avoid them.” (a few pages into Book 1, Chapter 1)

The characters for whom this (brutal) sentence is true, are eminently manipulable by unstated expectations. They run from anything but “the accepted way” and they don’t really recognize how they circumscribe their lives in the process.  If we live, consciously or not, by the same maxim, then the same is true of us.  

But if we courageously develop the capacity to think,

and then to think about our thinking,

and then to think about how we think about our thinking,

then we are on the way to deep cognitive empathy and the ability to develop meaningful relationships with those with whom we might have otherwise considered silly, or worse, enemies.  

This takes courage, the fortitude to be strange and free.